You know when you are super excited about something. You've planned everything, and things are looking up. You have been successful in everything you've done, and you think I'm on the right path. Then suddenly, it all falls down.
I've noticed that my life, now, seems like it's always in the drop zone. The drop zone: where things can go wrong, they more than likely will. I've made plans this past year and about every one of them fell through. The first few months it was sad, crying eating french fries and eating ice cream type pain. Then it escalated to devastating, sobbing, physically shaking, wanting to rip something apart type pain, and I knew something was wrong. I'm not that person. I don't get stressed to a breaking point. For awhile, I didn't think I had one. I've watched my friends fall apart, and been the strong shoulder where they could cry. Suddenly it was me who was broken.
In March of this year, I said no more to this pain. I'd gotten my what had to be 300th rejection letter, oh how I wish I was kidding about that number, but I'm not, and I was miserable. I was angry that my plan of success didn't pan out. All that hard work in school my whole life felt worthless. That stupid voice that lives in all of us agreed, yeah you aren't much. So I went to sleep upset, and to work upset, but something told me ignore the stupid voice in my head and listen closer.
On April 5, 2015, I gave my life to Christ. It was Easter, and that's when it all really fell down. It was strange and intense, but completely awesome! A sermon called, "The Underdog's Secret," that would inspire this move because for the first time I stepped back, listened, and saw that I was breaking because of something that wasn't in my control. I needed the one who is in control.
There's and old phrase, "you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." In my past I screamed them to Him, and He fell over laughing. Since then it's more of a tentative plan because this plan involves prayer and patience. My plans now involve more listening than speaking. I'm working harder for answers, and when things don't pan out, I don't get worked up. There is a purpose in my plans failing and my life falling apart; I still believe that.
Sunday night I had a plan and not 24 hours later, it fell apart. Was I disappointed? Yes, but a closed door does not always mean no. In this case I think it just means not right now, or not this way. I'm okay with that.