Shrill: I am What I am

Photo credit and Copyright Hulu

There are a few shows that just get me, like Insecure or Dear White People. They show one of the main components of who I am, a black woman in America. But then there is another element to me that I’ve rarely seen on screen. This is the part that I’ve “hidden” from most because people who know me, see me as confident, powerful, and beautiful. And I am. However, in the dark quiet places that’s not always how I feel because I’m also what most would consider, fat. And if you don’t know what that’s like you should check out the show Shrill.

Shrill, a new original show on Hulu based on the book Shrill by Lindy West, stars Aidy Bryant who plays Annie. Annie is a fat woman works for a newspaper in Portland where she is fighting to share her voice and be understood. She’s figuring out who she is and is fighting against who the world says she is based on her external identity because we are what we see right? Insert eye roll here. Five minutes into the show I knew that I was going to feel all the things. After every episode I identified more and more with Annie from the way she regulated her eating, liked a guy who hid her but felt like that’s the only guy who would pay attention to her, how she had a parent who constantly reminded her of her weight, or how she felt uncomfortable wearing bright colors or prints. Many of these things you see her overcome throughout the season, but these honest realities are a lot to see on screen. I squealed with delight and slight terror thinking oh my goodness did someone read my journal? But the fact is these traits are in so many of our stories as fat women. And while I’m sure it wasn’t perfect, Shrill brought to light the realities of what being fat is actually like, a constant flood of feeling noticed but not known, defending your existence and humanity, and fighting for your place in the world.

Now in the show, you see Annie and her best friend Fran, who is also fat, stumble through relationships, family issues, and friendships. You know through all of this, they are searching for love, confidence, and worth. These are things that many, if not all, of us desire, but can feel like a distant reality. Deep down other thoughts creep up like you’re fat, lazy, unwanted as you are, ugly, and just less than. Less than what I don’t actually know, but I know this is my everyday struggle, looking cool, and confident, like Fran, while feeling like I’m fighting to feel worthy, like Annie. This unworthiness makes me feel alone and isolated. It makes me feel ashamed to look myself in the mirror, to shop, to put on clothes, or even to date. And these are hard truths to reconcile. They are the demons in my mind that can keep me caged and questioning every part of my identity, but they are all lies. The shame I feel with or without clothes on is a lie. The things that were said to me were lies. The guilt I’m supposed to feel after eating something sinfully delicious is a lie. The isolation I feel when I think no man will ever want me is a lie. And you want to know why they are lies? Because by God’s grace, I am what I am (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Goodness, I’m so tired of the isolation and shame that this society tried to mask behind concern for health. Skinny or slender and healthy are not synonymous, much like big, fat, and plus size is not synonymous with unhealthy. I may not look like the societal standard of healthy, but I am the healthiest I’ve been in my entire life. I am working on who I am physically, mentally, and best of all spiritually. I show up for me, and not because someone told me I had to but because I want to be the best version of myself. And at the end of the day I may never not be fat. I may never get to a size that can shop in any store in Soho. I may not snatch up every guy I want. But I know one thing, I was fearfully and wonderfully made by a creator who looks at me and is well pleased. When I question who I am, He calls me his. When I wonder what comes next, He guides me. He affirms my existence in this world exactly as I am. I constantly need that reminder that as I fall in love with who God called me to be He is already pleased.

I just have to say thank you to Lindy West for sharing your story and helping the bring this to screen. If you haven’t watched Shrill yet, you should! Lastly, for anyone who feels this shame and pain of not being enough or being too much because of your weight or appearance, I see you, I love you, I affirm you, and I promise you, someone sees you and is pleased.